Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
You Might Also Like
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me