I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]