Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter