Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
🤔😂😂
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?