If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The Weeknd is back
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*pokes sex life with a stick
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.