CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
liiiiiiiiike
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.