Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
mmm onion ringos
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin