*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.