I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
first you must answer his riddles
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex