In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
they split up moments later
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.