Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Guys, I found it.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Um … Hot Wings please
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Customer is always right
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow