Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent