Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
The 6 types of sex
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.