She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Camping tip: No.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink