Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.