“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
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Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy