Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.