If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
new career option?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place