been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Not recommended for beginners.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb