I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Ugh but profoundly
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
cry laughing at this shit
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice