Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.