confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.