and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
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Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
lol
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this