Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Can. I. Help. You.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you