PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
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Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Wait a second…
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
💁🏻♂️
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.