GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
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Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
my astrological sign is a french fry
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual