While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
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Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.