Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
(yawn)
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
This guy’s not having it 😆
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated