I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.