Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.