if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.