If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
You Might Also Like
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate