Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?