I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
selena gomez
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.