“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
as is their right
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
😍😂🥰😂😍
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
what kind of cook setting is this??
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister