Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
You Might Also Like
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I hope this email finds you in a well
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or