{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”