[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
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I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.