You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
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If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”