I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
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Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”