Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I don’t know what to do
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
HERE’S MARKY
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy