Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles