Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You Might Also Like
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”