I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.