Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
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I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
When your man makes a valid point
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
This came to me in a dream.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.