8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Every house has this drawer
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
this is what they would have looked like, though
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no