JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.