Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
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If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.