The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
You Might Also Like
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
doing your own taxes
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same