Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though